“Portia’s Promise”
Professional acting is not a meritocracy. There are countless talented actors who toil in obscurity while bona fide hacks saw the air too much nightly across living rooms throughout the land. It has always been thus, and shall always be thus.
Professional ball players might get paid too much, but if you can’t throw strikes, you’ll be sent down the minors pretty quickly. Not so with entertainment. If somebody up there likes you, they’ll make the strike zone fit whatever you’re chucking down the pike. Your only talent could be in getting people to believe you have talent.
It can all lead to a bitter taste in the mouth, and I was reminded of this feeling on two occasions recently. My stories involved genuinely talented people, but certainly no more talented than I, and I was struck by how much their successes brought me to feelings of jealousy and frustration.
In one case, I was acting opposite a part I thought I should have had, and in the other, I read of a friend’s deal to make a film. In a visible business like acting, it can all feel magnified. You often have to watch it glide by on the side of a bus or on the cover of a magazine, or, in fact, unfold right before your eyes. It’s like somebody is having sex with your partner in front of you, and it can feel awful.
Jealousy is one of the sharper thorns to ever poke our sides. Somebody else has something we want, and it sticks in our craw. But until we figure out how to be happy with ourselves, it will forever plague us. For there is always somebody else’s something that we’ll crave. There’s always another missed part, and another friend’s film.
The practice, as always, is awareness, but it’s time to deepen the practice. The awareness only ebbs the tide so much. It’s time to practice genuine happiness for the successes of others, as unnatural an impulse as it can sometimes feel.
So to the two people whose lives I briefly wanted to have, let me say this: congratulations on all your success thus far. More than that, I hope it brings you peace of mind.
I know it’s helping me.
For the Mineralava Musings, this is Edoardo Ballerini.
I remember telling somebody about a TV show I’d been trying to sell a script to for years… so he decided to send them something and they bought it. Then there was a friend I’d known for ages who met my boyfriend of a few months… and both of them ditched me and married each other.
I hear ya. That kind of thing happens outside of acting too… and it STINGS! Owie.
I believe that it is your modesty that identifies you as the artist that you are. The modest ones always manages to balance their career and life without the plague of pride and jealousy. I do find you amazing Edoardo, and sometimes randomly you show up on my big screen. I sit and observe you act, and just shake my head. I feel like I am blessed to watch you. I can only hope to continue to see your work. Following your blog alone gives me peace. Thank you. Kimmy